Transcript:

As caregivers it’s important to remember Maya Angelou’s words of wisdom: “You teach people how to treat you.”

And if you have been teaching your family members that you are the one who will pick up the ball anytime someone drops it, then – if you want to start conserving more of your energy – it’s now time to teach them that that will no longer be the case.

And you can’t teach them that by just telling them – because they won’t believe you. Your actions always speak louder than your words.

Let’s say at the last family meeting your sister Leslie agreed to make sure your dad got to the dentist. If Leslie drops the ball and never makes the appointment, stick to the facts and ask her a simple, direct question with the goal of just getting clarification like:

“Leslie, Dad’s dental appointment was never scheduled – are you going to remedy that?”

If she says “yes” you say “thank you” – and that’s the end of the conversation. If Leslie says “no,” or tries to get out of her responsibility, or this is the second time she’s dropped that ball, rather than start to argue about this specific appointment, know that it’s time to have a conversation about the bigger issue. Start with something like:

“We don’t need to spend time going back and forth over stuff like this – can you please clarify what you are willing to do regarding dad’s care? Cuz right now there’s seems to be a disconnect between your words and actions.”

Now, the temptation when Leslie drops the ball might be to go back to your dad and report that Leslie doesn’t love him enough to get him to the dentist…

…the more mature, energy-saving approach is to look at the ball that has been dropped on the ground and consider whether YOU want to pick it up for YOU or whether you are just going to leave it there for someone else.

DON’T YOU DARE pick up a ball so that you can wallow in martyrdom, or because you’re thirsty for praise or acknowledgement, or you’re trying to save the day, etc. – only pick up a dropped ball if you can truly say “I’m choosing to doing this for me.”

And then do it and don’t expend any extra energy being loud about it. Trust me, if your dad eventually wakes up with a horrible toothache he WILL get himself to the dentist – meaning he will call you and then you can tell him to call Leslie. And then Leslie has to deal with your dad being in pain (or she can pass him on to another sibling or whomever). Let Leslie get creative and use the resources she has at her disposal.

Stop all of your actions that are teaching people that YOU are everyone’s only or easiest resource.

One way to look at it is: When you pick up all the dropped balls you are denying the rest of your family opportunities for their own personal growth.

Thank you for spending this time with me – and thank you for being one of the ones who care.

P.S.
Details about my group coaching program for caregivers are here.