Hi there, I’m Kristine Oller and this is Creating Cashflow episode eight. Maybe you’re listening because you’ve been wondering if there’s something you can make, share, or do that someone would actually pay you for or maybe you’re listening because you have a biz but it’s not yet generating a substantial flow of cash – either way, this podcast is here to help.

Today we are going to talk about the illusion of control.

I’m defining control as the ability to make people and circumstances conform to your will and achieve a desired outcome via your own efforts and intentions. Thinking that you have control over anything is an illusion. At least that’s what I have come to believe and I’m offering this perspective to you because creating cash flow – either creating it from scratch or making a business that you already have become more profitable – takes energy. So, as a coach, I am always interested in finding the ways you might be unnecessarily leaking (or hemorrhaging) your energy so that we can plug those leaks. You may be surprised how much is dripping or gushing out of your mental energy leaks. If you can minimize or, even better, plug those leaks you now retain all of that energy – making it available for you to use in other ways, like to create cash.

One of the most common mental energy leaks is created by you trying to exert control over things. And I know, whenever your life – or the world in general – feels intense and crazy, your initial reaction may be to try to exert control – over anything you possibly can. This impulse to control is often fueled by a desire to create a sense of peace and security in your life. You think: “If I can change this circumstance or make this person behave the way I want them to, then I will feel better.” Feeling out-of-control feels at best uncomfortable and at worst like you are in mortal danger.

Trying to control anything or anyone is exhausting and fruitless – and always will be because control is an illusion. So, if control is not an option, how do you create a texture of peace and security in your life? That’s such a good question. And I have my answer to that which I will share with you in a moment…

…first though, let’s examine the concept of control a bit more – and the different forms that it takes – so that you can start to find and plug any energy leaks that you may currently have in this department.

Believing that you have or have had control over something is a denial of the luck (and often privilege) that is always a part of our lives. At any time in your life, that you have felt like you had control over a situation – even control over how hard you worked, control over who you chose to partner with, control over getting into “that” school, even control over how well the birthday party you threw for your best friend went… if you have ever felt like you had control that was likely a reflection of luck and possibly privilege.

I can hear you saying “But, but, but…” And I know.

Yet even with something like, say, a project – building a website. It seems like you had control over that project… you thought of it, you took it from beginning to end and you finished it on deadline. That’s an accomplishment for sure and you made a lot of good decisions that contributed to the successful outcome of that project. And your electricity didn’t go out. And your connection to your webhost wasn’t severed because they rejected your credit card for some reason. And you had full use of both of your hands.

The work that we do is a component of our success. But, think about it, we are privileged, we are so lucky if we are healthy enough to work hard and able-bodied enough to do what we want to do, and blessed with a neurology and brain chemistry and cognitive abilities that enable us to even function in this society let alone achieve our goals.

On top of that, if we are able to find or pay for or get access to teaches and friends and partners and coaches and colleagues who can guide and support us along the way – that is luck and privilege FIRST… and then come our choices regarding the degree to which we work hard, accept help, and utilize our gifts. But I think it’s important to acknowledge how much luck is involved in our lives (and for some of us how much privilege is involved) because that acknowledgement helps us recognize control as an illusion… and surrendering to the notion that we don’t have control helps us relax a little bit. And lets our ego step back a little bit. And allows us to give ourselves a bit more grace as we go through this whole messy process of being alive and achieving goals.

Surrendering to the notion that there are too many variables involved in any situation for us to literally have control, enables us to plug our mental energy leaks. But before we can plug those leaks, we have to find them. And the specific leaks that are created when we try to control are sometimes difficult to spot because they hide in different ways.

I hear what you’re saying: “I’m not a controlling person. I’m chill. I’m really good at surfing the waters of life. I meditate.”

Great. That’s all excellent. Keep it up, and keep your eye out for any of the following three energy leaks that can come into existence when you are consciously or unconsciously trying to exert control.

Energy Leak #1: worrying

Worrying is you trying to control. There is a difference between worry as an adjective and worry as a verb. As an adjective, worried describes what you are feeling – you’re concerned, even highly concerned. That’s a feeling which you can allow to move through you so you can feel it fully, process it and let it dissipate. Worry as a verb is a big fat energy leak. When you are worrying you are taking the action of dwelling on your fears and ramping up your anxiety in hopes that the degree to which you are worrying will change the outcome of whatever is happening – or protect you or someone else from something bad happening. It won’t. In actuality all you are doing is unnecessarily hemorrhaging energy. If you’ve been a habitual worrier for a long time, this might be a very tough habit to break. Something you can start with to help you when find yourself using worry to try to control is simply to remind yourself, out loud: “I have no control. I have no control. I have no control.”

Energy Leak #2: replaying scenarios and beating yourself up

Replaying past events in our head and beating ourselves up for the choices or actions we did or didn’t make is actually us trying to reinforce the existence of our power to control. We’re looking for any scrap of evidence that proves we DID have control but we just didn’t use it, we made the wrong choice and thus we should punish ourselves so we don’t make that mistake of not using our control again. If only we had gone to the doctor four months earlier everything would have been different – with that story we are telling ourselves that we had control over the outcome but we just made the wrong choice. But believing that we had control then (even though we made a bad choice) allows us to believe that we have control now and therefore we can tell ourselves we have the power to prevent bad things from happening in the future… and that story of power and control feels soothing. It’s very strange, but we beat ourselves up to make ourselves feel better. That’s a huge waste of mental energy. A gentler and more truthful way you can sooth yourself is to remind yourself: “I have no control, but I’m making the best choices I can with the information I have. I have no control, but I’m making the best choices I can with the information I have.”

Energy Leak #3: managing other people

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s such a bummer when we finally surrender to the fact that we can’t control other people. And we can’t save the people we love from making choices we wish they wouldn’t make. You might already “know that” and yet you might also keep trying, hemorrhaging your energy, in little ways… like trying managing other people’s feelings so everybody can just get through Thanksgiving… or compromising your wedding plans so mom doesn’t blow a fuse… or stating your prices and then immediately offering a discount so you and your prospective client don’t have to feel uncomfortable. Or even insisting that you are stuck in a loveless marriage unless your partner fundamentally changes. You can’t control the behaviors, thoughts, or feelings of other people so trying to do so is just you distracting yourself from all the things that you do have influence over.

Yes, influence. Influence is different than control.

We don’t have any control… but we do have what I call a Sphere of Influence which is where all of your personal power resides. This is your corner of the world where you have the power to create the texture of life that you desire and the feelings of peace and security you desire.

You have influence – meaning you have the ability to change or have an effect on everything inside of our sphere. So, what’s inside your Sphere?

YOU are inside your sphere – all of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions are inside your Sphere of Influence. That’s right – we don’t even have control over our thoughts – we only have influence over them. I mean if we had control over our thoughts we’d never get stuck in the spin cycle or have to listen to our lizard brain tell us disempowering stories for an hour. We can’t demand of ourselves to never have a negative thought ever again – that’s control (which is an illusion). But, when a negative thought does crawl across your brain, you can choose to change how you are thinking, or choose to just let it crawl by without attaching and meaning to it. You certainly have influence over which thoughts you attach to or focus on.

Sometimes other people come into our Sphere. If our loved ones, or friends – even clients – visit our Sphere and have opened their hearts and minds to us, then we may be able to have some influence over their perspectives but we do not have control over them… we can only do or say things that might inspire them to decide to change themselves. We can certainly lead by example. We can certainly shift our end of a relationship. But at the end of the day, the only adult you can change is yourself.

Also in our Sphere is – usually – our home environment, our inner growth, our boundaries, our personal policies, our self-employment, how we define terms like “success,” and how we utilize our personal resources of time, energy and money – among other things. You will be amazed – I know I was – when you realize the impact that making shifts to your inner world can actually have on your external world. That is what I’m referring to when I talk about your personal power.

As a coach, I am only ever interested in what you can clear up and clean up within your sphere of influence – I only want to focus on the things that you have the ability to directly change.

“But,” you might be saying, “what about the bigger changes that need to be made in the world?”

Well, the reason I want to encourage you to tidy up and plug your energy leaks inside your own Sphere of Influence is because the more you do that the more bandwidth and energy you then have to contribute towards shifting things that are outside of your direct Sphere of influence. The larger the societal shift that you desire to see happen – restoring the environment, ending food insecurity, deconstructing systemic racism – the larger the shift, the larger the collective of people applying their individual influence and leading their voices to the choir and putting their boots on the ground – needs to be. Big changes take a lot of people lending their personal influence towards those changes.

So, as much as possible, I want your life inside your sphere to be a space that energizes rather than drains you. As much as possible, I want it to feel plentiful rather than precarious. Because the more the texture of your life supports and sustains you – physically, emotionally, financially and energetically – the more of that good stuff you’ll have available to share and contribute to the world in the ways that you feel inspired to do so.

Here’s where we’re at so far:

You having control over anything is an illusion. But you do have a Sphere of influence within which you have the power to make changes – mostly to yourself. The more you clean up and clear out the mental junk you have inside your sphere, the more energy you will have available for your goals and dreams and art and activism.

Now I want to address two detrimental ways that we are distracted by the illusion of control.

One way we get distracted by the illusion of control is by trying to make the Law of Attraction / manifestation “work” for us.

My understanding and definition of the Law of Attraction is getting ourselves into alignment so that we open up a connection to a larger source of energy and inspiration. And by “alignment” I mean a state in which our thoughts about something match what we are saying about it and feeling about it and doing towards it. So what we think and say and feel and do match. We are not sending any mixed messages to ourselves, to the world, or to the Universe about what we desire. Do I believe that the Law of Attraction “works?” Yes – BUT I believe it works only within our Sphere of Influence.

Trying to keep your vibration raised by never thinking negative thoughts so nothing bad will happen is an attempt to control how your life unfolds. Biological illness, random trauma, weather catastrophes, ramifications of injustices are not manifestations of negative thoughts. All of those things are outside of your sphere of influence and sometimes life just crashes into your life. And no amount of vision boarding, crystal collecting, chanting, tithing or praying will give you any control over that kind of stuff happening or not happening to you.

Very often the Law of Attraction is referenced and utilized without any acknowledgement of the part luck or privilege plays in what we are able to “manifest.” And it’s that lack of acknowledgement that throws people for a loop by reinforcing their illusion of having control which keep them preoccupied and expending energy on so, so, so many things that are outside of their Sphere of influence. Also, ignoring the ways luck and privilege contribute to one’s own blessings in life, can lead to a lack of empathy regarding actual challenges, illnesses, struggles, etc. that other people are facing – placing blame squarely on that other person’s “negative thoughts about the problem” rather than on the fact that the problem actually exists and significant parts of the solution to the problem may be outside of that person’s direct Sphere of Influence.

You do have influence over your thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions. Can your thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions influence you getting sick. Sometimes. Can those things influence your healing process. Sometimes. Can you get sick for random reasons you had no awareness of or influence over. Yes. Can you not heal from an illness because your biology just takes over. Yes. Will you probably have a smoother experience in life the better you get at plugging your energy leaks and bringing your inner self back into alignment on a consistent basis. I think so. Can good things happen to you even if you don’t believe or practice any of that. Certainly.

A second way that we get distracted by the illusion of control is that we get so preoccupied with all of the circumstances and people outside of our direct Sphere of influence – that we forget about the areas that we actually do have influence in. We forget about the power of our personal power so we start to see everything as hopelessly unchangeable.

One of the reasons I love helping people generate their own income is because it’s a very tangible way for them to rediscover and remain connected to their personal power – and how MUCH of it they actually have. Creating cash flow requires you to consistently keep your attention on what is inside your Sphere of Influence.

Reclaiming the power that you have within your Sphere of influence is a proactive activity… it doesn’t just magically happen. I say “reclaim” because, if you are like so many folks that I’ve worked with, you have given a great deal of your power and energy away in attempts to control – worrying, replaying past events, beating yourself up, managing other peoples feelings, trying to manifest, resisting the reality of what life was or wasn’t giving you. I’ve done this too. I had to realize I was doing it – trying to control – and then practice surrendering to the fact that I don’t have any control… over and over again because I am human.

This is not about being perfect, it’s about being able to draw your attention and energy back when it pops outside of your sphere of influence. It’s about being able to spot when you are attempting to control and plug that mental energy leak. It’s about being able to create a texture of peace and security in your little corner of the world and it’s about being able to create a flow of cash that will help fund the life you want to live.

By consciously applying your influence you can create the texture of satisfaction, fulfillment, steadiness, resiliency, and courage that help you believe that you can make it through these crazy times.

We are actually going to continue this conversation next week… remember when I said that we can get so preoccupied with all of the stuff outside of our direct Sphere of influence that we forget about the areas that we actually do have influence in? In the next episode, I’m going down in the details about one of the areas so many of my clients forget they have influence over – their schedule.

Did I just hear you say “boring, boring, boring?” Oh, no, no, no.

My friends, your schedule is not just something that helps you keeping track of your todos… your schedule is a tool within your Sphere of Influence that you can use to refine the texture of your entire life. Not only will I share with you how I’ve used it in that way, but the week after next, I’m inviting one of my former clients on to walk us through how making thoughtful adjustments to her schedule again and then again and then again was absolutely key to her transitioning from someone working at a day job with a few coaching clients and a desire to finally write the books that were in her… to becoming a published author of three fantastic books who has a thriving coaching business that she can grow or shrink to accommodate her writing and book promotions schedule.

Good stuff is ahead! Until then, take good care of yourself – I’m wishing you all the best.
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Creating Cashflow is a podcast, a course and a community that exists to guide and support you through the process of generating a monthly flow of cash. We welcome those of you who are just starting out and we welcome those of you who have a biz but now want to make it as streamlined and profitable as possible. Three times each month I roll up my sleeves and do deep dive group coaching sessions with the Cashflow members to help them apply the info in the course to their specific circumstances.

A great place for you to start is with my free online workshop – Creating Cash When Times Are Tough. You can watch the video or listen to the audio or read the transcript at KristineOller.com/cashflow.

The show notes for this episode are at KristineOller.com/podcast

And if you feel inspired to share this episode with someone special, follow through on that inspired action!